March 23, 2009

On this incredibly hot day

How often, and to what extent, do you change your impression of someone you know? Do we ever have any idea to what kind of impression we give to others, honestly? I mean, people tell you this and that, but what about those that they don't say, don't tell you? Will you get to find out in time?

What if someone likes you but you don't think his knowing you is quite the same as who you think yourself are? What if it's all a big mistake and just another gross misunderstanding in life?

What if - this is worse - you are actually not who you thought you are and everybody else's image of you is really more you than you thought?

Does it even matter to know who you are, after awhile? Does it even matter if people know? I mean, this sort of thing, it keeps changing. Doesn't it?

I just try not to think about it. As always. Whatever I can't figure out, I try not to think about it and if that doesn't help, I make a decision not to think about it by finding other things to think about. Distractions. I learnt that somewhere along.

TV is great distraction. My stupid 6ft Under DVD keeps jamming in my CD drive. I don't know what it wants. Damn it. I watched 2 episodes of Grey's Anatomy instead.

What is the anatomy of loving someone?

One of the most painful things in life is to experience how farking slowly time passes while you are still not ready to make a decision to move along. And how fast it passes when you still need more time to consider your options, even if they are all good ones.

I don't consider myself as an indecisive person on most matters. And once I made a decision, I usually don't back out easily. In that regard, I think I'm a consistent and reliable person.

Watching TV sometimes lets you put things into perspective better. It distracts you, disengages you away from that bottled up feeling and draws you into another world, another perspective, the director's, the storyteller's world. And when you come back to your own, inevitably, it makes that bottled up feeling less bottled up.

So that, if you think about it again, it's like, "ahhh... the fuck with it!"

We should not over-rate the things that occur in life, especially those that recur. At some point in time, we got to learn that nothing is really just your own choice. A choice is a decision based on an interplay of factors at a given point in time. They all change, all the time. You accept that or you don't belong.

Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 15:04